SO HOW`S YOUR MARRIAGE DOING??

 

Most of us ask “how are you doing” when we meet an old friend. We focus our concern on the people in our lives, including ourselves. Although important, we are missing a crucial relationship. Our Marriage is a living thing, just as volatile and changing as our individual emotions and day to day  feelings. Most of us would agree that nurturing ourselves & our loved ones  is of paramount importance in our lives . True, but again for married people, our marriages are equally important and worthy of attention as ourselves. Most ladies judge that their appearance is important, as most men would place their sports knowledge or the appearance of their homes & cars as paramount. The state of our marriages is probably the most important factor in living a long & healthy life, with a good environment in which to raise our children. Do you as a couple spend  time nurturing your marriage  relationship??. Often we see couples who have waited too long in resentment, apathy, or simply living a “married singles” lifestyle, that when they finally in desperation seek help, they may think that it is too late to recapture their initial intimacy & love. Admittedly, if emotional or physical unfaithfulness have occurred, it can be more challenging to regain the trust that all couples need in their relationship, but it is possible.

 

The good news is that most marriages can be saved from divorce or separation, providing both partners are committed to saving their relationship.

 

For many years the most popular marriage help programs have concentrated on communication as the paramount pathway to increased love and intimacy. Having worked in one of these programs for some years, we saw  many examples of couples who , at least in the short term, regained much of their earlier married happiness by intense  communication exercises.  We observed that couples working on their marriage subjected to an intense weekend experience removed from their normal lives can be beneficial in the short term. Longer term positive results  requires strong discipline to practice the techniques  taught on the weekend. Contacting  couples around three months after the weekend program, we observed  that many had relapsed in their behaviours once real life resumed. Interestingly, many also commented that they  felt they could not succeed without the input of the weekend presenting couples , rather than being in charge of their own relationship rehabilitation.

 

Much effort and resources is invested in youth programs in our Churches. Although essential, again we recommend that marriage mentoring is probably more important, as without a solid home background, our kids cannot benefit fully from youth programs available. Ask any experienced youth minister how much time is spent in listening to kids concerns about home, school, parents, and many other aspects of their lives.

 

One of the best known and respected marriage mentors is Michele Weiner Davis ( author of divorce busting and many other excellent marriage help books). Michele suggested in a recent article that the most important factor in long term successful marriages is COMMITMENT

 

Michele recommends pre marital counseling, where couples can be challenged with various tough questions, such as “under what circumstances would you consider your marriage to be over”, how many kids do you want, what about church attendance, birth control, abortion, and many other challenging questions. What happens when the going gets tough, how easily would you threaten divorce.

 

If commitment is the cornerstone, effective communication “greases the wheels”.

 

We believe that marriage preparation courses are essential. These courses need to  ask the tough questions that the couple needs to hear when in  the infatuation stage, and wedding arrangements are the predominant factor. We often receive  blank stares when talking the tough talk, but we are convinced that it is the responsibility of  Marriage Prep. programs to do everything possible to challenge our young people regarding marriage rather than try to pick up the pieces later.

 

Appears that our Churches had the right idea for centuries!! Marriage vows are promises to each other & God, in other words COMMITMENT.  Within a committed relationship, there is no fear of being abandoned , & problems can be worked out much more effectively. Studies show that long term marriages result in longer, more fulfilling lives, greater financial security, &  an improved mental & emotional environment in which to raise families.

 

 

Some marriages can be  abusive & unhappy, this is where your Pastor or an experienced marriage counsellor can help with decision making. There may be times when it is appropriate for a spouse (either the husband or the wife) to remove themselves & the children from an abusive home to reduce the tension  & for safety reasons. Once safety has been established, the couple can work out the best solution for their relationship.

 

 

SO WHAT`S TO BE DONE??

 

A positive approach by Pastors concerning marriage.

Challenging young couples to think about the tough questions within marriage preparation classes.

Programs that encourage group interaction among young married couples.

Visible & available marriage help when needed at low cost .

Developing a group of mentors / lay counsellors within our Churches and Mental Health Agencies

Encouragement for couples to participate in  marriage enhancement programs.

 

 

 

 

 

Gerry & Marie Prior   (GemCare Counselling)        250 809 9762    gem care@shaw.ca